Brutally Honest

More Inappropriate but Hilarious Conversations with Children

2010-04-13T23:29:00.005-04:00

I am starting to wonder if perhaps our children are smarter and more streetwise that we give them credit for. Because last week, while Emily and crew were visiting, the double entendres and innuendos were flowing like water! I mean, really, is it possible to make so many dirty jokes without meaning to...or do Emily and I just need to crawl out of the gutter?

You be the judge...

Now there was all of the usual talk from Libby about how excited she was that Jack was spending the night and how she couldn't wait to sleep with Jack and was she definitely going to get to sleep with Jack, etc and so forth.

Then there was also a rather humorous incident in which my younger daughter knocked Jack over and sat on top of him and started to bounce up and down. This caused both children to burst into giggles and Libby, never wanting to be left out of the fun, hops on too.

Now when you are only three and a half feet tall and there is already someone sitting on your stomach, really the only place left for another friend to sit is on your head.

So that is were Libby sat.

On Jack's face.

And then she jumped up two seconds later and Jack said, "Hey Libby, come back and sit on my face again!"

I thought Emily was going to wet her pants she was laughing so hard!

(Later, Em asked me if I had told my husband about that particular moment. I reminded her that my dear husband is still recovering from the whole "cock talk" incident with Emma Jane. Hearing about Libby sitting on some guy's face might just send him over the edge!)

While I did think the face-sitting remark was funny, my personal favorite conversation went like this: I caught Libby and Jack playing in Libby's closet. (I think they were having a tea party or something completely innocent like that.)

I reminded Libby that we have a very large playroom with lots of toys and that I don't generally allow my children to play in their bedrooms. But since we had twice as many kids in the house as usual, I told her that she and Jack could play in her room but they needed to stay out of the closet.

Jack immediately came out of the closet and said, "Come on Libby. We can't do it in your closet. I know! Let's do it on your bed!"

I think I did wet my pants a little...

A lesson in Anatomy

2010-03-02T08:34:00.023-05:00

Okay, let's talk Bachelor!

After watching last night's final rose ceremony, we have come to a conclusion.

Jake must have failed his high school anatomy class. Because clearly every time he mentioned his heart, he was actually talking about the organ 3 feet below his heart. Just a show of hands, who doesn't think Jake picked Vienna because she ~~puts out~~ is spontaneous?

He totally picked sex over substance. Don't get us wrong, sex is very important in a relationship. But by itself, it is not enough to sustain longevity. And in a few months, Jake will join the long list of Bachelor failures because of that. You picked wrong, dude!

And I rather enjoyed watching Tenley call him out on it during After the Final Rose. Now we don't think for a second that she was as clueless as she was pretending to be...she knew good and well that his lack of physical chemistry was about sex. She (like any other woman in her place) just wanted to hear him say it. And Jake (like any other man in his place) totally avoided the question and gushed more about his ~~penis~~ heart!

What a tool! And not even a cool tool, like a hammer...more like one of those useless washer thingys.

And as for Vienna, she may be all into ~~being famous~~ Jake right now, but soon the skank whore inside her will rear its ugly head and she will be sharing a drink with it on the beach by Summer.

Let's move on to Ali and The Bachelorette!

Can you smell the desperation?

Breaking news...

2010-02-12T10:03:00.006-05:00

As of yesterday, Taylor Lautner is legal!

You can fest your eyes on all this extreme hotness, and touch, without having to worry about being carted off to jail.

I'm so relieved. Taylor and I were really getting tired of sneaking around.

Writer's Workshop and the fall

2010-02-11T06:24:00.007-05:00

Do you remember the early days of marriage?

Those were the days when I would don outfits such as this (Since I know you're wondering, this is not a picture of me but I pretty much look exactly like that.)

and shoes such as these

and parade around my pre-baby body ~~that I totally took for granted~~ solely for the, um, entertainment, of another.

One such night, I was wearing an outfit very similar to that in an attempt to seduce my new husband. (As if I actually need to seduce him. Please. He was a 20-something year old guy.)

As I'm walking down the hall, I hear him in the kitchen, popping open a beer. I rush down the stairs ~~trying to get into the living room before he sits down and turns on the tv~~, around the corner, trip and fall over a box.

And in the process of falling, bust my lip on the couch so badly that I actually just laid there and starting crying. My husband runs in and tries to help me sit up.

Note that I said try. He's actually having trouble since he can barely breathe due to hysterical laughter.

He finally is able to help me up, checks to make sure all my teeth are intact, gets me onto the couch, then gets me a rag and some ice. My lip is killing me. And bleeding like crazy.

After an hour ~~of gushing blood~~, we begin to wonder if I'll need stitches.

The thought of this makes me cry even more. Not the thought of stitches, but the fact that I'll have to go to the emergency room in stripper clothes. (Yes, in my distraught state, the thought that I could just actually change clothes before leaving didn't cross my mind.)

So, Alex decides to call my dad (who's a doctor) to see if I need stitches. I actually don't remember a lot of the conversation except the part when my dad apparently asked what I was doing when I fell and Alex responded with, "Um, well, she was just walking around."

I ended up not getting stitches, but this injury, combined with a lip injury I had as a child (which was all my brother's fault and material for another post) dooms me to a life where half of my lip is fatter than the other half.

See?

The light from the flash even highlights the fat part! Between this injury and my aforementioned lip injury, I have quite a scar. But since I rarely leave my house without lip gloss or lipstick, it's hard to tell.

The moral of this story is that if you're dressed like this

(Again, not me, but pretty much what I look like in the bedroom. *cough* yeah right! *cough*)

and running, then watch where you are going!

This has been part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

What part of "help" don't you understand?!

2010-02-04T08:59:00.017-05:00

We had en emergency in our family yesterday.

The short of it is that Jack had what we thought was the stomach bug. But after watching our child writhe in pain most of Tuesday night, we trekked over to Children's Hospital of Atlanta only to discover it was not the stomach virus.

Appendicitis.

As Jack is getting prepped for surgery, I ~~immediately update Facebook~~ call my parents to let them know what's going on while Alex calls his.

And his mom wants to come "help".

Apparently when I am faced with an emergency I deal with it by having a moment of ~~complete, unbridled~~ insanity.

Because, aside from the fact that my MIL hates me with a passive-aggressive passion, every little thing about her drives me batty. And, believe me, she is no help.

She's help in the sense that I can leave some (not all) of my children with her with the assurance that they will be alive when I return, although their mental state may be slightly unstable.

But that's it.

Is it help when someone comes to your house only to leave all kinds of crap lying around for your one year old and dog to get into? Because, Lord know, when you're child is in the hospital, I have plenty of time to clean up all the crap you had to bring with you to my house.

Here's just a snippet of her version of "help".

Me: Grandmother, Alex really needed to run into the office for a few hours today. Would you mind going over to the hospital and sitting with Jack so that Alex can work? I know Jack would love to see you and Alex really needs to go into the office.

Her: Sure, I'll do that.

Me: Great. You know where the hospital is? Good. I know that Alex is anxious to run to the office for a few hours. It's the first day of the fiscal year and very busy for him. (See how I'm stressing this?)

Alex (an hour later): Where's my mom?

Me: She left over an hour ago...you mean she's not there yet?

Anyone care to take a guess as to where she was??

No, not stranded on the side of the road.

No, not so distraught over the thought of her little grandson lying in a hospital bed that she couldn't drive and had to pull over.

She STOPPED FOR LUNCH!!

Yes, you read that right.

The crazy thing is that I knew this would happen. Because it does every time she "helps".

This is why I ban her from our state whenever I have a baby. I can't take it.

However, apparently in an emergency situation, I deal with it by going insane. And now, since she's on her way to the hospital as I write this, I have to face the consequences of my choices.

Pray for me, friends. And pray for her...she's dangerously close to coming to bodily harm.

This has been part of MamaKat's Writer's Workshop.

**In all seriousness now; Jack is doing well. He's recovering very nicely and is going to be heading home today. We are thankful we caught it in time and the procedure was able to be done laparoscopically, which is a faster, easier recovery.**

Blast from the Past

2010-01-27T08:40:00.000-05:00

I had a fling with an old flame the other night.

A dream fling.

(Really, people? After all the ranting and raving we have done on the blog about infidelity, did you actually think I meant a real life, awake fling? Sheesh!)

So back to my dream.

It was totally random because I have seriously not thought about this guy in years! I think the only reason he popped into my subconscious was because he befriended me on Facebook a few days ago.

Isn't Facebook great? Keeping people that should probably just forget about each other connected.

We knew each other in high school and had one of those on again, off again non-relationships based solely on how much we liked hooking up with each other. And since I was all of 15 or 16, it was pretty tame hooking up. Even in my dream.

We pretty much just made out on the couch...in the dream and in real life. Not for any lack of trying to deflower me on his part. But thankfully at the tender age of something-teen, I still had a good healthy fear of accidental impregnation or STDs from the over-sexed man whore I was gettin' jiggy with on the sofa. And of the large arsenal my father had at his disposal...I mean I did like this boy. I didn't want daddy to shoot him.

So anywho, I woke up laughing. And a little ticked that my dream self did not have this smokin' hot 15 year body:

No wonder this guy spent over 4 years trying to jump my bones!

Of course, when I rolled over in my bed, I found my real life lover to be much more satisfying than memories of the past!

(Sorry, I promise that is as sappy as you will ever hear me get here on Brutally Honest. But cut me some slack, my anniversary was a few days ago and so I am just basking in the romantic glow of our love.)

(Crap! I did it again!)

Dear John

2010-01-22T06:57:00.002-05:00

Dear John Edwards,

So, after however many years you finally came clean and decided to publicly claim your child. Kind of. You wrote it down and had a political advisor make the statement. Not just any political advisor though, a trusted advisor. How very big of you.

So, just to summarize; you had an affair, impregnated a ~~tramp who knew you were married~~ woman, then denied your child, who will now have to go through life knowing that her father rejected her. All this while your wife was fighting cancer. Congratulations, that is douche baggery at its best. In fact, I think you just beat out Bill Clinton for The Biggest Douche Award.

Really, John, did you think people wouldn't figure it out? You have an affair and approximately nine months later the ~~tramp~~ woman who had an affair with you gives birth. It's not rocket science.

I understand, though. Sex addiction is tough. *snicker*

Puh-lease. Just because it feels good doesn't mean you have to do it. It feels good to eat chocolate all day every day but you don't constantly see me with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in my hand.

Ever heard of the phrase "just say no"? It was coined during the Regean administration; I'm pretty sure you were around then. It can be applied to more than just drug use. When a ~~tramp~~ comes up to you and offers to engage in certain activities, just say no!

So, please zip up your pants, pick up your man card, oh wait, you don't have one anymore. Well, then, zip up your pants and be on your merry way.

You disgrace the name Edward.

Sincerely,

Totally inappropriate but hilarous conversations with small children

2010-01-05T06:11:00.000-05:00

We love when children are (unintentionally) inappropriate. And our children are always good for a ~~dirty joke~~ laugh or two.

The following conversation took place between Emily, her son Jack, and Lauren's daughter Libby.

The scene: Emily's house
After a fun afternoon and morning of complete chaos with our favorite family, the Snellings, preparations are being made for them to head back to Tampa.

Mommy and Daddy Snellings are frantically trying to gather all their children's belonging as to prevent any "where's my favorite leaf!?" meltdowns on the way back to Tampa. (For the record, Snellings daughter #2 actually did have a favorite leaf with her that she was very attached to.)
I(Emily) am making sure all the children say goodbye to each other.

"Jack, say good-bye to Libby," I say.

"I already did Libby," Jack yells, rushing by me.
(I can hear Lauren snickering from the stairs.)

"Yeah," Libby agrees, "Jack already did me. But Melody didn't."

Melody looks at Libby and proceeds to give her a hug.

"There," says Libby. "Now they both did me."

Inappropriate conversations abound at Lauren's house as well. Over the holiday, Mr. Lauren used some of his time off to cross a few "honey-dos" off the list. While I(Lauren) was walking past the sun room I heard the following conversation between my 2yo daughter and my husband.

Emma Jane: "Daddy, what's that?"

Husband: "It's caulk."

Emma Jane: "I yike cock."

Husband: "Oh honey, please don't say things like that!"

Emma Jane(trying not to upset daddy): "Yeah, cock's gucky! It's not to eat!"

I just about died laughing! Husband also came dangerously close death, although he wasn't laughing...I think he had nightmares that night in which our precious toddler became a slutty teenager!

And since we have already mentioned doin' it and cocks, there might as well be a whoo-ha story as well.

One morning while Lauren was in the shower, Libby (4 years old) walks in and presses her little face against glass as usual. After checking me out for several seconds, she says "Mommy, why do you have hair right there?" I am sure I don't have to clarify where "there" is! I vaguely replied, "That is just the way God makes grown-up girls." Libby thinks about that for a moment and then said, "Why did God make it in a stripe?"

I didn't bother explaining that it was actually a woman named Cara that made it a stripe!

WW - All I want for Christmas

2009-12-23T12:40:00.002-05:00

Writers Workshop and Edward My Love

2009-12-17T07:35:00.006-05:00

Head on over to MamaKat's for some more Writer's Workshop!

I chose the prompt; write a poem to the object a loved one is obsessed with.

Edward, my love

I’ve told her before,

You are all mine.

Yet she still talks about you all the time!

When will she understand

That you have chosen me

We’re lovers

The way you've always wanted us to be

She talks and she talks

About you like she owns you

And, seriously, tell her to stop trying to phone you!

I finally off-ed that freakin' Bella chick

And now she's getting on my nerves and get it's getting old quick.

I know your beautiful and hard to resist

But the choice is clear

I’m moving to Forks

Where we will live in the mist

And sparkle in the sun

Two vampires in love, all of the days

Tell her to try and understand

We know this is hard

Because she loves you so

But you just don't feel the same,

Lauren, get over it, yo!

Depp Shmepp

2009-11-25T06:02:00.000-05:00

We demand a recount!

Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive??

Says who?

Johnny Depp is a lot of things.

Funny? Yes.

Talented? Yes.

A little bit creepy? Yes (*cough Willie Wonka cough*)

Sexy? Um, not since 21 Jump Street

In our not so humble opinion, any one of the following would have been much better qualified to hold the title of Sexiest Man.

Is anyone else feeling a little lightheaded at the moment?

Genius or Plagiarist?

2009-11-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Let me first say that I am a huge fan. HUGE! I have read everything you have written (even the outtakes) and loved it all. You are an excellent storyteller and I am on the edge of my seat to see what you come out with next.

That being said, I have to call you out on something you said to Oprah. Now I am paraphrasing here, but you said something about how you just have all of these really original ideas...

Yeah.

It isn't an "original idea" if someone else had it first. I'm just sayin'.

Let's take Twilight for example:

The whole star-crossed lovers saga. That's been done. It's called Romeo and Juliet. And you know, making Romeo a vampire isn't exactly original either. The "vampire and human in love" storyline has also been done. In both Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris and The Vampire Diaries.

A few other uninspired ideas you had include:

-Vampires that can come out during the day. (The Vampire Diaries) Although I will give it to you that the sparkling thing is pretty cool! That aspect of it was in fact, original.

-Vampires in high school. (Again, the Vampire Diaries)

Were you like reading The Vampire Diaries before bed the night you had that inspirational dream that gave birth to Twilight? Or was it Dead Until Dark that you fell asleep too? Because the similarities there are pretty striking as well! I mean, there is both telepathy and vampires that don't feed on humans in Dead Until Dark.

I think Charlaine Harris might have a legitimate plagiarism case against you. Especially when you start comparing New Moon to Living Dead in Dallas (book 2 of the Sookie Stackhouse series.) As I read about poor human Sookie being left behind by her vampire lover and turning to her bff (who just happens to be a werewolf) for support, I seriously double checked the cover of the book to make sure I wasn't accidentally reading New Moon again!

So all I am saying that while you may have put a fresh spin on an old idea, I would exactly call you "original."

For more Letter of Intent, check Foursons!

Man's best brofriend

2009-11-19T06:53:00.002-05:00

I am not my husband's best friend. And I'm thankful for that. Instead, I'm his wife. An untouchable title to anyone else. In my opinion, it's way better than a best friend. It's an honor reserved just for me and no one else can take it.

We've blogged before about being bffs. And though it's not always acknowledged among men, the brofriend relationship is just as important.

The honor of my husband's best friend goes to his brofriend, Webb.

Let me just give you a slight peak into their ~~weird~~ special relationship.

Alex and I had a scheduled an at-home date night. Nothing too exciting. I had just rented a movie we've been wanting to see. Still, date night is date night. Right?

Alex comes home and says to me, "Do you mind if we reschedule date night?"

"Ok." I say, "Why?"

"Webb and I were talking and realized that he's going to be out of town for business next week and so if I don't see him tonight, it'll be a week before we can hang out again."

Seriously? Was I just ditched for the brofriend?

But I let him go. Why? Because I am so thankful that my husband has close friendships too.

Just like my husband is not interested in hearing about how many diapers I changed to today or how I found the perfect pair of earrings to go with my new sweater (that's what Lauren is for!) I am not interested in bathroom discussions and analyzing college football. And by analyzing college football, I mean discussing the direction of the ball spinning in relation to the position of the receivers arm when the ball was caught and how that affected the outcome of the game. (You think I'm kidding? Obviously, you aren't married to a die hard SEC football fan.)

These are the texts that went back and forth during a recent football game. They don't even make sense to me. It's like they have their own secret language.

Alex: 94 yards on OM first dr. Interception.

Brofriend: We are gonna lose (We actually didn't.)

Alex: According to our scoreboard we have 30 rushing and 55 passing.

Brofriend: Wildcat on first down p***** me off

Alex: No it aint

Brofriend: Play calling has gotten retarded

Alex: Hit ground

Alex: WDE!!! (after our win.)

Now, if the brofriend wasn't' in the picture, my husband would be sending me those texts. And do you know what my reply would be to all of them? "Oh." Ok, well, I would have had a response to the last one, but that's really it.

These are the texts that went back and forth after the big game we lost Saturday. (Any word that began with F was also all in CAPS.)

Alex: That one hurt more than all the others combined.

Brofriend:F***

Alex: Alone in car cussing at top of my lungs.

Brofriend: That Hail Mary at the end was stoopid

Alex: I am F****** p*****. Won't sleep tonight...

See why I love the brofriend? If it wasn't for him, Alex would have come home needing to vent to some one and I would have to be that person.

This relationship doesn't just benefit Alex, it helps our whole family. If my husband is unavailable in an emergency or something, the brofriend acts as the pseudo husband.

In conclusion, the brofriend is a relationship that needs to be nurtured and encouraged. I am happy to let my husband hang with his brofriend. It's relationships like those where I really understand how friends sometimes feel like family.

How about you? Does your husband have a brofriend that's in close competition to you?

WW - only two days left...

2009-11-18T07:02:00.000-05:00

Which team are you on?

Money Laundering 101

2009-11-13T08:25:00.000-05:00

Let's face it...times are tough.

Money is tight.

And the economic tide is not showing signs of turning any time soon.

But unfortunately for my dear friend, Emily, she did not get this memo. The memo she got said, "SHOE SALE." And even more unfortunately, Mr. Emily chose this month to actually peruse their credit card statement prior to paying the bill.

All arguments pointing out Emily's thriftiness (*cough*) in prior months and how it all evens out over the year were lost on Mr. E. I don't know if it actually happened this way in real life, but in my head Emily (like any good, rebellious teenager) is sitting on the couch with her arms cross and eyes rolled while her dad, I mean husband, stands over her with several pies charts and graphs lecturing her about her spending. In the end, Emily was grounded from her credit card and she immediately called me to cry about it. I have to say that I was only a little sympathetic. Not that I disagree with her i-didn't-spend-anything-on-shoes-for-the-last-three-months-and-we-have-this-much-budgeted-for-shoes-over-the-year-so-it-all-evens-out-in-the-end argument. I totally get that. I have just been trying to teach her forever how to avoid confrontations like that at all. It is really quite simple.

Let me preface this lesson, by saying that I do not advocate lying to your spouse or spending money you don't have. I mean, hello toilet bowl. Have you met the economy? Mr. Lauren and I sit down every December and come up with the following year's budget together. And I stick to it! Moving on...

My husband uses Quicken to keep track of our finances and while this program has many wonderful qualities, I HATE that every time I use my credit card my husband knows about it before I get home. And I HATE even more having to explain every.single.purchase. My husband is like Emily's. It doesn't matter that I haven't broken the budget, he still lectures me about the $300 I spent at Gymboree. Really, honey? We have THREE children. That is like 3 outfits each! From the sale rack!!

Whatever!

So out of necessity (for the sake of my marriage) I came up with Budget Tweaking step #1:

STEP AWAY FROM THE CREDIT CARD!!!

Credit cards are great and they definitely have their place. Like at the gas station. I love paying at the pump. But at Starbucks...NO!!! My husband does not need to know that I spent $4 on coffee five times this week. All he needs to know is that $20 was used from the Entertainment/Dining Out envelope. I am telling you, girls, the cash envelope system has saved my sanity and my marriage! I still spend the same amount of money (actually less but I will get to that in a moment) but hubs and I don't fight about it anymore!

I will say that switching to cash is an adjustment. It is not as easy as just whipping out the credit card. It requires preplanning. There have been times when I have been out and not had any money in my wallet and so I can't buy something that I want. I am also more conscious of exactly what I am spending so there is less impulse buying. Ultimately, that saves money!

Step #2. Shop grocery store sales!

I used to clip coupons, but I don't anymore. It was just too much work! If you are a coupon clipper, more power to you. I do shop the weekly sales at my grocery store though. Publix has BOGO sales every week. There are certain pantry staples that I will only buy if they are BOGO. With the exception of that random 3 month period where ketchup never went sale and my family almost revolted because I refused to buy it until it did, this is a great tool in my budget tweaking schemes! The sales help me to save about $25 a week...without spending less in my grocery budget. Say what?

My Publix has this wonderful place called the gift card mall. It is right in the middle of the store and it is home to every gift card you can possibly imagine. So even though I usually spend less money each week than the grocery budget allots for, I have never reduced that category in our budget. I simply pick up a gift card for myself. This is a great way to extend those budget categories, like shoes, that Mr. L really has no realistic clue about! (Now I don't get a gift card every week. It varies depending on whats already in my shopping cart. If I am treating the hubs to a T-bone, no card but if it is a chicken every night week then I treat myself.)

Some of you may feel that this crosses the line into dishonest, but Emily and I personally think it is genius!

And last but not least...

Step #3 Don't Brag and Don't Hide!

Just be normal! If you buy a new pair of shoes, go put them in your closet when you get home. Don't hide them under your guest room bed and then spend the next six weeks trying to think of a way to convince your husband that you have always had that pair of shoes. That just takes the fun out of shopping!

When I wear a new something and my husband notices, I simply say "Yes dear, it is new. Thank you for noticing." or if it isn't new: "Dude, I wore this last week. Do you notice nothing???"

And on the other extreme, I personally, have never understood my friends that feel the need to immediately tell their husbands about every little purchase and explain how, based on sales and mad bargain shopping skills, they actually made money on said purchase. My husband doesn't want (nor does he believe) the explanation and honestly my opinion is that it is our money regardless of who earned it and so long as I am sticking to the budget, I don't need permission to spend our money!

So, I'm curious...what are your ~~budget tweaking~~ money saving ideas?

Wordless Wednesday - extreme hotness

2009-11-11T06:42:00.001-05:00

to all the girls Ben's loved before

2009-10-23T07:21:00.001-04:00

My brother, Ben, has very, um, er, high standards when it comes to women. He knows exactly what he wants. He wants a certain kind of woman...the kind some would call a Sugar Mama.

As a result of this search, Ben has dated a lot of girls. I feel kind of bad for these girls. They see Ben and they're all like, "Oh, look at Ben. He's so tall and handsome and he even looks a little like Prince William." Little do they know my brother is no prince.

These poor, unsuspecting women, sucked into my brother's life by his manipulative, lawyer ways.

Dear Ben's Exes,

While you may not realize it now, you will some day be so thankful Ben broke up with you. Even though it was an ambush break up while you were walking to work. I mean, what kind of man see the woman he's dating get off the bus and think, "Oh, now will be a good time to break up. Let me run and catch up with her before she goes into that big meeting with her boss." Yes, I know, even a break-up text would have probably been better than what actually happened. I mean, no one wants to hear, "Oh, hey, glad I saw you getting off the bus on your way to work. I wanted to let you know that I just want to go back to being friends. So, did you have a good weekend?"

And I'm sorry that, while you were dating, Ben some how managed to make it seem cool for you to wait on him hand in foot. That is, when you weren't waiting for his late a55 to come pick you up. And then when he did finally moozie on over there, realizing you just got all dressed up to go to Chipotle.

I'm also sorry that my brother couldn't make up his mind on whether or not he actually wanted to date you. I'm sure it was excruciating to go through 4 or 5 break ups with him. Within a ten week time frame. *But, on a side note, if he's broken up with you that many times, get a clue and move on. He's never going to change!*

So, in conclusion to all the girls who have for some reason seen something worthwhile in my idiot brother, if you're starting to feel like you're the maid rather than the girlfriend, it's because that's what he wants. So, unless you start collecting a weekly paycheck, dating Ben really isn't worth it. I mean, I know he's a lawyer, but come on, lawyers are a dime a dozen.

You're welcome,
The girl that won't be your sister-in-law

Wordless Wednesday - Totally Team Edward...

2009-10-21T12:38:00.002-04:00

but I wouldn't turn Jacob down either!

He can boil water but not an egg

2009-10-06T06:46:00.003-04:00

Most of the time I truly think that I am married to the most amazing man. He is intelligent, hard working, faithful, honest and ethical. He is an involved father and has the potential (although sometimes untapped) to be extremely thoughtful and considerate.

And then there are times when I wonder how he manages to dress himself in the morning.

Example:

The other day, Brad ate the two hard boiled eggs that I had made for my 4 year old's lunch (she doesn't like sandwiches) for breakfast.

No biggie, I can make more.

But I had to go to see my doctor that morning and the appointment ran a little late. Since my little one has a complete blood sugar crash if lunch is not waiting for her in the car when I pick her up and I didn't have time to go home, make more eggs and then pick her up, I called Brad as I was leaving the dr's office and asked him to make two hard boiled eggs so that they would be ready for me to throw in her lunchbox when I got home.

I then gave him explicit instructions on how to boil an egg.

Step 1. Put eggs in pot.

Step 2. Cover eggs with water and put pot on stove.

Step 3. Bring water to a boil.

Step 4. When water is boiling, remove pot from heat but keep it covered. Let eggs sit until I get home.

Easy, peasy! No?

Apparently not.

I got home 15 minutes later with just enough time to peel Libby's eggs and go get her at school. I walked into my kitchen and saw 2 eggs sitting on the counter next to the stove. I picked one up, ready to crack the shell, only to find that it was stone cold. I carefully touch the side of the pot. It was hot.

"Um, honey. Did you put the eggs in the fridge to cool off?"

I say this just as my sweet husband said, "Oh, did you take the eggs out of the pot?"

Say, what?

I swear, I actually saw the lightbulb go on over my man's head when he realized that he boiled the water but not the eggs.

Letters of Intent and the USPS sucks

2009-10-02T06:45:00.002-04:00

Dear United States Postal Service,

I've really come to expect more from an institution that's been around for over two centuries, but your recent handling of my mail makes me question whether or not the post office is on its way to becoming obsolete.

In these tough economical times, we have managed to keep our spirits up by feeding our obsession with Vampire books and trading them back and forth to save money.

In the past few weeks, I sent Lauren several Vampire books. She returned me two of them as well as two other books she suggested I read. When I received the package, it did contain four books, but not the four books she sent.

(FYI: I did not even have to open the package!)

The padded envelope containing the four books, apparently burst open all by itself. Inside, rather than the set of Vampire books that obviously go together, I got one Vampire book, two other books that Lauren sent and the Journal of Management Education that was still wrapped in a mailing sleeve with the correct recipients address on it.

Part of me wants to believe that ~~you are actually that stupid~~ this was just an honest mistake, but most likely some postal worker in Atlanta is currently enjoying reading book 1 of the Vampire Diaries. We can only hope that employee will be as captivated as we were, stay up way too late reading it, over sleep and, as a result, get fired.

Bite me,

Writer's Workshop - BFFs

2009-10-01T09:06:00.010-04:00

It's writer's Workshop over at MamaKat's!

We've chosen the topic: how did you meet your best friend?

Lauren's version:

The story of how we became friends is slightly pathetic. I had just graduated from college and moved to Atlanta. My roommate and I didn't really click. I spent all day with people from work, so I really didn't want to spend all weekend with them too. Most of my friends from college were still in Alabama. Basically I had zero friends and I was lonely. *insert sob*

I met Emily at a women's bible study. The night that I went to the group for the first time, I sat on the couch next to this blonde girl. When BS was ending, the leader had us break up in to groups of 2-3 to pray. (I didn't know at the time that that wasn't the norm, but that is what makes God so cool!) So blonde girl and less blonde girl next to her and I formed a group. And in a moment of humility I made a prayer request for God to give me some girlfriends.

Those two girls were the answer to my prayer. The next week we met at Ben & Jerry's for ice cream. We started doing that every week. When B&J's closed we moved across the street to Starbucks. Before I knew it, we were pretty much inseparable. Since then, we have been separated. I have moved to Tampa. Stephanie (AKA less-blonde girl) has moved to Dallas and Emily is still in Atlanta. But we are all still friends.

And Emily is a best friend in the truest sense of the word. I would trust her with my life, my children's lives, my biggest secret. When I was in denial about being pregnant, she convinced me to put the mimosa down and take a test. And then she drove me to Walgreens and came in the bathroom with me while I took it. And when the stick turned blue and I burst into tears, so did she. Although she was crying because she was so excited. I was crying because I had just gone shopping and bought lots of really cute (skinny) clothes! (And then when she told her mother that I was pg, Jenny ask ed "so do you and Lauren have some kind of contract stating the you have to be pregnant at the same time?" You would think based on our families.)

Even though we are separated by way too many miles, we are still close. We talk everyday, sometimes more than once. And we jump at any opportunity to see each other, whether it is for a two year-old's birthday party or just a movie we want to see together.

I love her like a sister. And since my sister is my other best friend, that is a lot!

***************** ********************

Emily's version:

Lauren and I met at a Bible Study several years ago. When I graduated college, married, and moved to Atlanta, I joined a women's Bible study to get involved and make some friends. About a year later, in walks this new girl who says her name is Lauren and she just moved here after graduating from Alabama. I roll my eyes towards an other close friend of mine and think something along the lines, "Alabama! I'll never be friends with her!" I'm glad I was able to get over it, because despite her bad taste in college football, Lauren rocks!

Since that day, we've been extremely close and sometimes it seems like we do everything together. When I was 8 months pregnant with my third child, and Lauren had just discovered she was pregnant with hers, my mother actually asked if we had some kind of contract or something saying we had to be pregnant at the same time! You would think given this.

Lauren has a fabulous fashion sense and has introduced me to the color purple. As she told me t oday, "how can you not love the color purple? It's the color of royalty!" We also share an ~~obsession~~ deep love of purses. She also introduced me to Twilight...come on, you can't find a better friend than that! There's not many things that she does that I don't do...in fact, don't be surprised if you find me using cloth diapers soon!

Lauren and her husband Brad have the same values as Alex and I. I know that when I come to her in need of advice or with a problem, shell listen and help me with a true Christian understanding. She's also one of the most honest people I know; she will always tell me the truth, even if it's not what I want to hear. She's also very trusting. In fact she trusted me with the biggest secret ever!

Since I have two boys and a girl and Lauren has two girls and a boy, I'm hoping we'll get lucky and find a match there somewhere! It would be great to not only have Lauren as a friend but also as a family member! I have brothers but no sisters, so my girlfri ends have always been important to me. Lauren is the the sister in my life. Despite the miles between us, we are fortunate to see each other on a relatively regular basis. And when we're not together we're probably ch atting on the phone. In fact, frequently when I pick up the phone to make a call, one of my children will ask, "Are you calling Ms. Lauren?"

WW - finally got our Smallville fix

2009-09-30T09:31:00.004-04:00

The new season of Smallville premiered last week. Finally, we get one hour a week to gaze at this hot hero!

If you are going to steal my imaginary boyfriend, do it with a smile!

2009-09-25T13:10:00.010-04:00

Dear Kristen Stewart,

There are many people better suited to play opposite Rob Pattinson (cough us cough) however, since the casting directors didn't ask our opinion it's kind of out of our hands.
However, here are a few tips for you if you're going to play the most envied girl around.

1. Smile. Why are you not smiling? You have the best job on the planet. My face would hurt if I got to spend my days rubbing up against Edward.

2. Hire a stylist. Really, what made you think this looks good?

3. Tone down the make up. The heroin chic looked went out with the 90s. I mean, do you even know who Kurt Cobain is??

4. Stand up straight. Bad posture is just not attractive on anyone! Didn't your mother ever tell you that?

Bottom line: By making a few minor adjustments, you have the potential to be a really pretty girl. And if the tabloid rumors are true and you actually are engaged to R Patz, you really just don't want to be that bride whose husband is prettier than she is on their wedding day! Something to think about...

Wordless Wednesday - Hot Damn!

2009-09-23T06:46:00.000-04:00

Um, yeah, this totally makes my special place tingle.

The Fcking Time Traveler's Fcking Wife

2009-09-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

That is what the book should have been titled.

Because that word is on every.single.f*cking.page!

My retinas are starting to burn. I really just think the F word is a vile word and seeing it in print is even worse than hearing it! Now I am not saying that that word has never crossed my lips. Because that would be a lie and, hel-lo...the blog is called Brutally Honest!

But it is certainly not a word I use in casual conversation. Or even not-so-casual conversation. I really find that it is only appropriate during certain instances of road rage or perhaps during a particularly unpleasant trip to ~~the depths of Hell~~ Walmart. It is really just unnecessary 99% of the time.

I am really bothered by the blatant repetition of the F word in this book because it is just so unexpected. I was under the impression that this was a timeless love story. A tale for the ages. A new classic.

While I expect an occasional "f*ck you" or "f*cking this and that" in a book or movie, I find that overuse of the word lessens its impact. And using it in reference to sex, especially sex between two characters that are supposedly more in love than Romeo and Juliet, is just nasty. And completely unsexy! I don't even want to see the movie anymore.

And so, Audrey Niffenegger, for Romance Writing 101, you receive a big fat F!

Wordless Wednesday and the anti-eye candy

2009-09-16T07:03:00.000-04:00

As you have seen here before; some people are bringing sexy back.

Unfortunately, some aren't.

I apologize if I burned anyone eyeballs out of their heads.

This one of the sights from my beach chair in Cancun last week.

We'll be back to our regularly schedule eye-candy next Wednesday for your continued drooling pleasure.

I'm just not that into it anymore...

2009-09-10T06:00:00.000-04:00

I love being married! I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone.

(Well not anyone that is actually alive. A certain teenage vampire? Now that is another story!)

Anywho...there are so many wonderful things about being married: always having a date on Saturday night (anyone want to babysit?), having an official bug killer in residence, having someone to snuggle with when my feet are cold, never having to worry about reaching stuff on high shelves...You know, the important stuff!

Plus, there is the added benefit of sex whenever I want it!

But there is also a downside to marriage.

It's actually more of a downside to parenthood that just affects the marriage.

Any guesses???

It's the post we promised you in the very beginning... it's the horrors of post-baby sex!

*Aggghhh!*
Okay, really it's not so much first-time post-childbirth sex...it's more about getting my post-baby groove back. Because, seriously, Stella hasn't grooved in months! And I don't even miss it. I have no desire to have sex. Zero, zilch, nada! And the I-just-had-a-baby excuse is really starting to wear thin with Hubs. I mean, the baby is 4 months old. And pretty much sleeping through the night. I'm really not that exhausted.

I'm just not that into it anymore.

Now, this is distressing on many levels.

#1. My husband is hhhhot! And we used to have a pretty hot married life, if I do say so.

#2. My eyes have recently been opened to the infidelity pandemic that has struck the nation and I don't want to be the reason my marriage becomes another statistic.

#3. See #1.

I mean, I do miss my libido. In a nostalgic, highschoolwasreallyfunbuti'mnotdyingtogoback sort of way.

And hubs really misses "the old me" as he puts it. Apparently having sex with a wife who would rather be twittering isn't anything to write Penthouse about.

So here I am. Just going through the motions of being married. Waiting for that tingly feeling to return to my special place.

Until then...I'm curling up with a good book!

This post has been inspired by the writing prompt #1 of MamaKat's Writer's Workshop.

Wordless Wednesday - If only his pants were a little lower

2009-09-09T01:27:00.005-04:00

something I never wanted to confess to again...

2009-09-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

A few years ago (4 to be exact) I had a completely traumatic experience.

Lauren and I were in Auburn together. Hubs had football tickets, but baby Jack and I did not. After spending the day tailgating, Lauren and I (along with baby Jack) headed off to Laredos for some margaritas. We get in the car and drive the 5 miles or so out of town, in game day traffic no less, only to pull in the parking lot to discover that baby Jack is merely sitting in his car seat. Unbuckled. Thank goodness Lauren was there to talk me off the ledge. Well, Lauren and a really strong margarita.

I have never forgotten that day and the wave of fear immediately followed by the wave of thankfulness and relief that washed over me when I looked in the car and saw my baby in a position to be a 22 pound projectile object. And ever since then I've tried to always double check the safety of my children. Have I made a few mistakes? Yes. Once I left Charlie in his infant seat. In the living room. Fortunately, I remembered him just as I pulled out of the garage. A few times, I've forgotten to buckle in one of the big ones. However, they've always shouted, "Mama, you forgot to buckle me!" before we're even out of the driveway. And for the most part I'm in the habit of saying, "everyone buckled tight?" before we pull away.

Saturday, though, I screwed up again. Big time. My friend, Lindsey, her 6 month old son Grayson, my three kiddos and I are heading out of Auburn back to Atlanta after a full day of tailgating fun. I'm wiped and so are they. Off we go. A little while later, I notice is awful quiet back there so I glance back and see Melody asleep. And UNBUCKLED. People, at this point I was at the state line. Now, that's a good 30 miles down the INTERSTATE. As in the 75mph (Ok, fine, 80mph) interstate.

I scream at Lindsey to go back there and buckle her up. Jack says, "it's OK, Mom, we just have to thank God for watching over us."

Yes, thank you, God. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

I still can't get over it. The images flashing through my head even now are brutal. My baby, my baby, my baby. Writing this, I'm overcome again with nausea and shakiness. How could I be that negligent? How could I have not noticed, remembered, or double checked the basic safely of my child. I mean, I went to great lengths to make sure that car seat was in the car 100% correctly. And then I fail to actually use it.

What is wrong with me?

This goes beyond the normal flaky mommy brain. This goes beyond forgetting to put the children's shoes on and not realizing it until we're already at preschool. Twice.

This was just stupid. Please tell me I'm not the only mommy out there who has inadvertently put her own child's life at risk. Please give me some tips or drug names to enhance my memory skills. Please don't call DFACs on me...I PROMISE I won't do this again!

Where are your manners, people!?

2009-09-02T08:31:00.004-04:00

Here's the brutal honesty, people; rudeness has gotten out of control.

Professor Dumbledore once told Uncle Vernon that, "accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often" and while that is true (mostly based on the sheer ignorance of people), intentional rudeness has gotten out of control.

Example 1:
Lauren is 7 months pregnant and waiting for a table at a crowded restaurant. She notices a vacant chair in the waiting area and sits down to give her swollen ~~feet~~ body a rest. The lady next to her says, "You can sit there for a minute, but someone is occupying that seat; they're in the bathroom."

Now, logic would tell you that the person occupying that seat is a feeble old woman. I mean, who else would deserve a seat over a pregnant woman?

Do you want to know who was actually occupying that seat?

The woman's teenaged son.

Seriously, WTF, people!?

Example 2:
I am driving along on a relatively busy road with a speed limit of 35 mph. A punk is walking his dog, sans leash, on the sidewalk. The dogs darts in the street and directly in front of my car. I slam on my breaks and ~~by some miracle of God~~ narrowly avoid hitting said pooch.

The man runs over to my car and I roll down my window expecting to hear something along the lines of, "oh my thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! I can't believe I'd be such a moron do walk my dog without a leash. Seriously, I must be the stupidest person alive. I'm probably a big, fat, prick too. (Ok, maybe I was expecting too much, but you know what I'm sayin'!)

This is what I really heard, *loud screaming* "I can't believe you almost hit my dog!? What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you watch where you're going!? You better get off the road b*@^#!"

Believe me, if I hadn't of been so shocked, I would have gotten out of the car and opened a can of whup-A55 on him. Believe me, I could have. I'm freakishly strong and pretty hormonal. That's a lethal combination. I'm actually getting kind of fired up again just thinking about it....

Ok, deep breath....

You see my point. This type of intentional rudeness happens every. single. freakin'. day. And I'm ~~sick of it~~ f-ing pissed off about it.

And I'm no longer going to stand by and allow rudeness to happen without it being acknowledged.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm going to rudely point out rudeness.

Probably. I have to admit I've been known to be ~~mean~~ mildly firm before.

Obviously when my kids are with me, I will always be polite. After all, I don't want them growing up like all these jerks out there. And you better believe that my son will be the one offering his seat to any woman, pregnant or not. At least in my presence.

But the rest of the time. Watch out. I'm taking manners back!

Have you been a victim of intentional rudeness? What are you going to do about it?

adding a little spice to life

2009-08-31T07:00:00.000-04:00

As Lauren and I have been conversing this week about the appalling amount of cheating that takes place, we have also discussed what we can do, as wives, to keep our marriage satisfying on all fronts.

My (Lauren's) pastor once told me that it is the wife's job to make sure her husband is satisfied in the bedroom. Actually, he used the words red-hot. It was a slightly embarrassing moment as I pictured my very stern baptist pastor and his soft-spoken wife gettin jiggy with it!

And yes, like any true bffs, we share tips and advice about what keeps our our husbands happy!

We compiled a list of a few activities we enjoying with our husbands. Don't worry, nothing graphic, you can keep reading without fear of your eyeballs burning out of your head.

1. Games. Remember that phrase often used in college, "any game can be a drinking game"? That can also be applied to, um, marital activity. Anyone have Candyland at their house? A few tweeks in the rules and you have Strip Candyland. Believe me, everyone's a winner at Strip Candyland.

2. Bathroom Countertops. They are good for more than just a place to set your tooth brush. Just a little tip though, if your bathroom has mirrors on every wall (as Emily's does) keep the lights off. Obsessing about whether or not your stomach is flat enough while you should be obsessing about your husband is not a good thing.

3. There is lots of fun to be had in a bathroom. The toilet (lid down, of course) is also an excellent rendezvous spot. This is especially true if you are on a family vacation and your toddlers are napping in the hotel room. Grown up fun that you don't have to worry about being arrested for!

4. One way to make a minivan a little bit cooler is to, you know, do the deed in it. Tinted windows and a dark parking lot are all you need. Nuff said.

5. Skinny dipping! I really don't know what else I can say about that!

calling all ho-bags

2009-08-26T08:53:00.002-04:00

WTF is up with people who cheat?!

Over the course of the past few years, instances of cheating have been brought to my attention.

No, not my husband's.

No, not mine either. Like I'll ever let those secrets slip. Just kidding.

Ok, stay with me, people.

Over the last few years I have learned that more than one of my family members cheated as well as a close family friend. I also suspect that another family member has cheated.

Saturday night, I was having another night where I was engaged in debauchery. (Yes, I know I keep having that problem lately. However, that's material for another post.) While finishing off my second bourbon and coke, I am eavesdropping on a conversation occurring between two men, one of whom I know. The conversation is along the lines of who is looking hot tonight. I, of course, am wondering if my name will be mentioned. I'm wearing this and definitely think it falls into the hot category.

I'm sorry this is such a bad picture, but it was the only one I could find that was my whole outfit and appropriate to post on this blog (or anywhere else for that matter!)

I don't know if my name is mentioned or not, because I hear something alluding to cheating and (since I have a problem keeping my mouth shut, opinions to myself, and emotions in check) jump right into the conversation.

At first I give these dudes the benefit of the doubt; I express shock over what I hear and give them a chance to tell me I've taken it out of context.

They didn't.

Yep, pretty much this one guy admitted to cheating. Cheating in a casual fashion but cheating nonetheless. At least, that's how I think of it.

Fast forward to the next day; I am on the phone with my very worldly friend and bff from high school. OSBFF (old school bff) proceeds to tell me that I live a sheltered life and, although it's not good or right, people cheat. all. the. time.

Now, when I think of cheating I think of the full blown affairs I have heard about. You know, the dude has a gf on the side, yada yada yada.

According to OSBFF this is not normally the case. She says that a lot of cheating is a simple one night stand and that not all cheating involves doing the deed anyway. Apparently, the "oops, I got too drunk and accidentally fell onto some woman's lips and got stuck there for 5 minutes and finally had to use my hand to push off against her breast" excuse is used quite often.

This information floored me. When I was in college and casually dating, I will admit I was a cheater then. Random making out with a guy who had a girlfriend happened. Random making out with a guy while I was seeing another guy happened. (What can i say, making out is fun!) Pretty much if I was making out with someone else while dating a different someone, I already knew that (neither) guy was the guy for me. This is why it's called dating.

Obviously that stopped when I became serious with my husband. Becoming engaged implies an intent to marry. I think my hubs said it best when my mom suggested extending our engagement; he said, "the engagement should be long enough to plan the wedding. An engagement is not the time to decide whether or not to get married."

Once I made a vow before my family, friends, and above all God our Father, cheating has never never never entered my mind. And I pray it never does.

I think Lisa on Real Housewives of Atlanta might have said it best when she told Kim, "Keep your legs closed to married men!" (By the way, if you don't watch that show, you are missing out!)

Now, three days after that night, I am still shocked. Floored. And I'm wondering if you are too. Is OSBFF right? Is this casual "hooking up" totally commonplace now. Am I being too extreme?

As Lauren said when we discussed this on the phone the other day, "have we been living in a bubble and is this the status quo now?"

Please enlighten us on your thoughts, experiences, and opinions!

ww - he makes me want to do bad things too

2009-08-26T02:51:00.000-04:00

Once a black sheep, always a black sheep!

2009-08-25T07:00:00.000-04:00

People, especially my extended family, love coming to visit me! I think it is because I really go the extra mile to make my guests welcome, what with turn down service, pillow mints and gourmet breakfast in bed. I am Queen Hospitality.

Oh yeah, and I live less than an hour from both Disney World and the beach. But really, it is my sparkling personality that keeps my front door revolving!

This weekend, my cousin Jordan visited. She is senior at Ole Miss (University of Mississippi.) She has absolutely blossomed in college. In just a few short years, she has gone from being a self-absorbed, obnoxious brat to a really delightful young woman! And my kids just love her...although they love anybody with nail polish!

Anywho. The first night of her visit was pretty uneventful. She played with my kids, we ate dinner in, and then sat down on the couch to watch HGTV after the kids went down. And by 8 o'clock, I was out cold. Because I am cool like that.

I dragged myself off the couch around nine and told Jordan to stay up as late as she wanted and sleep in the next morning.

She was still asleep when I went to the gym at 9:45 the next morning. I just figured she was being a college student. I was wrong. Apparently she was up sick all night! I found this out when my aunt called me around 10:50 am. I was on my way home from the gym. Conversation as follows.

Aunt C: Have you seen Jordan this morning?

Me: No, she was still asleep when I left to go to the gym. What's up?

Aunt C: Well she just called me and apparently she was sick last night. She said she threw up several times during the night.

Me: Oh, I am so sorry. I wish she had woken me up last night. I am almost home.

Aunt C: So, did y'all have anything to drink last night? You know, any alcoholic beverages?

Me: Say what?! Did you actually just ask me if I got your daughter loaded last night? Your 22-year-old daughter? Drunk to the point of vomiting? In my house with my 3 small children? Yeah. We got hammered last night!

Of course, I only said this in my head.

What I actually said was: No, Aunt C. I am home now. Let me check on her and I will call you back.

I am not sure who comes off the worst in my aunt's head: her own daughter for being a binge drinker or me for letting her get wasted to the point of illness?

Oh well, maybe at the next family holiday, Jordan and I can sell illicit drugs to all of our teenage cousins! Should be fun times!

Hook Me, Baby, One More Time!

2009-08-20T16:34:00.000-04:00

I am a shoe whore!

(That's right, I said whore. If that offends you, well you really shouldn't be reading this blog at all. I'm just sayin!)

I love shoes. If my husband was being held hostage and I could free him by burning my shoe collection...well, let's just hope it never comes to that because I am not sure Hubs would be happy with the outcome!

I have shoes in every style, every color, for every occasion and no self control when it comes to a shoe store!

So I was recently visiting with my co-conspirator in this blog and that always includes some shopping. I walked away with two fa-habulous new pairs of heels. Very high heels. Or as Emily so delicately put it: f*** me heels.

Hubs had similar thoughts when I showed him my new shoes.

Honestly, I am not sure that he had any actual "thoughts" but his eyes did get really wide and his mouth dropped open, and he may have drooled a little when he saw these!

I said to him, "So what do you think?"

His answer: "Those are hooker shoes!"

My response: "Thanks honey. I just love when you tell me I look like a prostitute!"

His reply: "Baby, you can hook me anytime!"

My snarky comeback: "Really? You gonna pay me when we're done?"

Without missing a beat, he says: "Oh, I always pay for it!"

And then he looked at my shoes.

Point taken. At least he doesn't ask me how much my shoes cost anymore!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

ww - Love to be in the middle of that sandwich

2009-08-19T07:33:00.001-04:00

Can the new season of Smallville please start already?

I neeeed my Clark and Oliver fix!

it started with a Jack and Coke and ended in a hot tub with 4 nekkid men.

2009-08-18T06:23:00.005-04:00

WARNING!

This version of the concert is not rated PG. We're looking at at least PG-13 here and possibly R. So, if you are a goody-goody and not into sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll (ok, there's not really sex, but I do use the words naked and lesbian, but not in reference to each other, and there's not really drugs, not mine at least, but there is definitely rock-n-roll!) then advert your eyes and go and read about someone who went wild and crazy in the Martha Stewart way.

For those of you who like a good time: read on!

As I stated; it started with a big cup of coke with a l~~ittle~~ lot of Jack Daniels added to it. We all (7 couples) piled into a 15 passenger van and headed down to Lakewood. The van ride consisted of good conversation, really loud music, and alcohol flowing like a river.

We get to Lakewood and start tailgating. These dudes are partying next to us. (Well, not the guy in the middle, he's our friend Brent and his mullet is fake.)
They were awesome. We had a great time cutting up with them before we went in.

Alright. I'm going to admit a nasty, dirty habit here. When I am planning on going out and know I might overindulge a bit I enjoy a cigarette or ~~two~~ ten. Horrible, I know. Don't judge me. Fortunately, Brent is a closet smoker. Ahhh, I think I had about 2 or 3 before we even started walking towards the amphitheater. There's something about filling your lungs with toxic chemicals and your body with a dehydrating substance that is just refreshing.

On our way in, we enjoyed some people watching. Seriously, I wanted to ask this guy what he stuffed down in there! You know that s*** wasn't real and he kept having to adjust so...I don't know. But, whatev you know, it was crazy to look at!

Now we're in and let the fun begin. While I was in college, I perfected the art of "hiding a flask and sneaking in to places it's not allowed". This was no exception. Walked right in with a flask full of JD. Got a coke and a spot on the lawn we are ready to party!! Cheap Trick started playing. Now, I'm not a huge Cheap Trick fan so I just sat around, drinking and people watching.

The dudes next to use lit up a smoke that wasn't nicotine if you know what I mean. Not really my thing, but you know, it was a rock concert.

Then I noticed the chicks in front of us. Lesbians. Yep. And not the hot kind. More like the "I'm a lesbian only beacuse I wasn't born a man kind." I kind of wanted to tap them on the shoulder and ask them if they ment to come here or if they were trying to get to the Indigo Girls or something. I didn't do that. Instead Mari did funny things to them without them knowing about it. She's doing something inappropriate in the direction of their fannies in this picture.

So, a lot more rock-n-roll now. Poison is playing and they totally rock. Just as good as when I saw them about 10 years ago in college. Alex and I danced like crazy. Def Leppard came on. Totally rocked the house too. Alex and I danced and I let him go ahead and up his man card to all the other guys by letting him feel me up numerious times. (Over the shirt, of course; what kind of a girl do you think I am!?)

After the concert we go back and tailgate some more while we wait for the traffic to die down. We blasted more Poison and threw in a little Motely Crue and Van Halen as well. Nothing like listening to good music and singing along to keep the good vibes going.

When we get back to where we all met, Mari heads off to bed since you know she, um, fell sleep on the way home! The other wives go home to relieve their babysitters. That leaves me and 4 men. One guy says, "hey let's go get in the hot tub." Alex wants to keep having fun, so I agree. I mean, I've got on a black bra and black panties...boy shorts too so not even that skimpy. And it's dark. I go inside to use the restroom and when I come back out the guys are already in the hot tub. As I start to, um, prepare myself to get in, one of them leans over the edge to grab another beer. That's when I notice that there's skin showing that boxers should cover. Yep. Those dudes got in nekkid! Fortunately, I averted my eyes just in time. Being the lady that I am, I got in the hot tub with my bra and panties intact, despite the protests of the lewd drunks surrounding me, my husband included. After being hounded a bit, I did a quick flash in the way of making a deal to get them to leave me alone. They're just boobs, you know.

I'm not sure if that's the perfect end to an awesome evening, but it is pretty fitting after going to a wild and crazy rock concert.

I might be 30 but I can still party like it's 1999!

put in my place by a college student

2009-08-14T23:08:00.007-04:00

Last week Lauren was in Auburn visiting her mom and I drove down (without children!) for the day. Her aunt was there as well, helping cousin Sarah Jane move into her new apartment. We decided to all head over there to check out Sarah Jane's new digs.

Like any normal college student, her roommates and a few friends were over hanging out as well.

As we were chilling out I overheard part of a conversation between her roommates...

"So, then this guy asked me if I graduated from Huntsville High School. I told him know and he kept insisting that he new me. He said I looked just like someone he knew from class of 1997! Seriously, that would make me like 29 or 30. I mean, that's like 11 years older than me!"

It was at this point I stopped listening and tried desperately to control the tears I felt welling up.

I glanced over at Lauren and saw her looking at me, and I knew she had heard too.

(Ok, just so you know, I'm almost crying just writing this! It was so traumatic!)

Really, there are no words. These girls saw us, and our saggy nursed out boobs, our pouchy tummies, and proclaimed us old.

So, that day a college student put me in my place.

But here's the brutal truth: just watch out sista. You're going to be 30 one day. And look just like this.

And I'll still be 24...

Wordless Wednesday - Just A Little Eye Candy

2009-08-12T05:59:00.004-04:00

It's Disturbing at Any Age

2009-08-10T12:00:00.003-04:00

Everyone has one of those horror stories of walking in on their parents doing the deed!

My first such experience occurred at the tender age of 8. I was thankfully too young to really know what I had walked in on but old enough to know that Daddy was pissed and I needed to walk right back out!

As a teenager, I refused to believe that my parents were sexually active. That would just be too gross. No, they obviously only had sex three times and got preggo each time.

Ah, the ignorance of youth! That illusion was shattered in a horrible, life-altering way...

One night, around age 15, I woke up thirsty. So I got up, intending to head downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water. I got as far as the top of the stairs when I heard it! The unmistakable sounds of ~~two pigs rutting around in the mud~~ s.e.x. And from what tender, virgin ears heard, it was some pretty hot sex at that. *shudder*

I quickly returned to my room, sans water, closed the door, put a pillow over my head and tried to block out the horrors reverberating through my head. It was years before I could look either of my parents in the face again!

Well, time has past and I am now mature enough to appreciate that my parents loved each other so much. And I have managed to convince myself that it was all just a bad dream and none of it really happened anyways!

My father passed away several years ago, leaving a void in my mother's once-aerobic sex life. (eww!) She has since fallen in love again and is getting married in October. I don't really know her fiance that well but he seems very nice and he makes my mom happy. And while it is a little weird for me to see her with someone else, I am sure that at their age this marriage will be purely platonic.

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of my adolescent illusions being shattered again.

Last week while visiting my mother, I found myself in need of a stamp. So I looked in the most logical place: her desk. Which happens to be by the bed. I did not find a stamp. I did find a tube of KY.

AAGGHH! My eyes, my eyes!

I should just gouge them out at this point, shouldn't I?

Telling it like it is

2009-08-08T09:08:00.010-04:00

Welcome to our blog!

We are Emily and Lauren, two stay at home moms who have decided to claim a little bit of the blog universe for themselves. This blog is a place we can vent our frustrations and have a little adult conversation. You will not find pictures of our adorable children or read about potty training on this blog. (Check out our other blogs for that!). This is a place to talk about the horrors of post baby sex and complain about our in-laws. Feel free to complain about your in-laws too!

We're shedding the smiles and telling it like it really is!

Cheers!